My Love: Our End, My Agony

I know
perhaps
how this ends

Not an end
I want
but one I see

Once in full flower
now tufts of
dandelion
scattered by the wind

Once on a path
to becoming.
Now,
a path
rocky, broken, narrow

Walking
black
on this path.
Falling
losing you.
Are you gone ?
Are you near ?
Were you ever here ?

Silence so overwhelming
the throbbing of my failed heart
is all I hear, sending life coursing through
my remains.
Silence so profound that
I hear your voice,
still: My great love. My half.

I know how this ends
perhaps.
Not an end to be asked for
but one that hovers, like a
threat

This emptiness will not whither
like the anise leaves in a Georgia summer.
No, more like thyme growing through the rocks
on our Serifos,
our teserak,
it will thrive,
mocking

The bitterness of a life
found and now lost
will not fade easily.
What could be,
could have been
remains
like an overstaying, but loved,
guest

So bitter
undigestible,
I am unable to remove you from my mind.
I see you
always.
Want to hear you
continuously

I know how this ends
perhaps

Ocean swimming
steadily stroking toward an island.
An island ?
A mirage.
god’s joke on us
on me.
Yet I am here
alone at sea,
far from
family
home
country.
All strength consumed holding Panic at bay

Careful, measured strokes
No fear, no fear
words I spoke to you so many times.
Here, at sea, alone
I repeat…..
No fear, no fear

A silence so ripe
I feel your touch, your breath
the brush of your shoulder
5th digits intertwined.
Are you here ?
Were you ?

I know how this ends,
perhaps.
Although it is not to be
wished for

How was this life spent on the ramparts ?
Armor on, weapons at the ready
Where and how did I fail ?

How was I able to see –
falling –
When did the blackness part
What was that light which
for just a moment
you brought me ?
What joy did I feel from your caress ?

As the earth rushes forward to greet me:
Silence.
Only the gentle swish of the water
as I carefully
cut through

I know how this ends
perhaps.
Although I wish it weren’t so

There is to be no more
us
Teserak gone
Our city –
Neruda’s Park –
again just a city
Our Golden Lion just a place.
Not ours, with its glass floor.
Gone, no more.

Something will follow
but only as real
as the shadow left behind,
the lingering fragrance,
as you pass.
Familiar, not real

I know, I know
All eventually ends and with that end all sorrow
but…….

What joy !
What possibility !
What light !
Waves nipping at our ankles like
those silly little dogs that girls carry.
Weaving in and out, and crossing paths
as we walked that beach
Smiles and silence
A patch of grass where we sat
talking
Where you said what you said:
My great love.
And I:
My love, my breath

I know how this ends
Perhaps
Although I don’t wish it:
fading away

A place
not of my choosing !
A city ?
A bed ?
A deathbed ?
Mine ? Yours ?
We will embrace
How did we wait so long ?
How could we ?
So much time lost.
And now, no time

But we do this
now,
while there is time.
A culture of fears, morals, not ours –
exactly –
paralyze.
Fear rationalized
No fear, no fear…but there is such fear

So
I know how this ends,
perhaps.
Although it is not to be wished for.
Like a threat this end awaits us

We ignore the passage of time
until no time is left
No wishes will matter
I will have lost you
again

Sipping coffee
merchant ships passing.
So close – minutes apart,
across the room –
yet a chasm separates us

I will miss you so
I already do
every minute I am awake
every minute while I sleep.

In this life I fear
never to see you again.
Never.
I’ve lost you,
my half.
Morning breaks, incomplete
A kiss searching for a home
always searching

Will I have to wait for another life
before I find you again ?
Will I ?

24 April, 2013

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